Psalm 139:16b  Every day of my life was recorded in Your book.
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Don't Pray

2/26/2013

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Click the picture for a song about mercy
If you want to remain as you are - don't pray.  If you want to dwell on the wrongs of others - don't pray.  If you want to believe you are right and they need to change - don't pray.  If you don't want to change - don't pray.

I promised you in the welcome page of this blog to be honest about life but sometimes I wonder if it would be better to just write what I want to in a way that makes me look better.  Then I wouldn't have to share the ugly truth.  But that would not challenge or encourage you and it would be lying on my part.  I like to believe that after 35 years of following the Lord that I might have some things together.  I want to believe that maybe I'm more right than wrong.  In fact, without actually saying it or even consciously thinking it, maybe if certain people would be more like me then the world would be a better place.  Isn't that a proud thing to think?

I recently came across a picture from our house in Bettsville.  The picture was of our garden.  It was even prettier than I remembered.  But it took all summer, all day, everyday to get it that way.  I worked on my hands and knees pulling out weeds and hauling them to the compost.  I loosened the soil around the plants to allow the water to nourish them.  I planted the seeds and watched them emerge.  I picked out the seeds and determined where each thing would be planted.  Let me rephrase that we (my husband and I) did all that and more.  There are so many lessons to be discovered in the dirt, if you just  put your mind on God and let him open your eyes as you work.  

One major thing that sticks in my memory though, is the weeds.  We hauled over 70 large wheel barrels full, so I guess they made an impact.  I imagined my heart to be God's garden where he plants seeds to bring forth a bountiful harvest but in that garden are weeds.  Some weeds are huge and obvious.  Some are tiny and even look, for awhile, like they might be a seedling that I planted.  When I see the big ones, I go straight to them and get them out of there.  I am always amazed at how shallow their roots are and how fairly easy they are to pull.  Even when you have to use a shovel and work a little the roots are still gone when your done.  But not so with the little ones.  You have to work carefully and with a scrutinizing eye to find them and get their amazingly large roots system out; even though usually, the roots remain, long after the green shoot has broken off.

It got me thinking about the big sins.  You know the ones:  stealing, killing, drugs, illicit sex...These are things that we recognize quickly and usually these are the testimonies we hear.  Testimonies of how God delivered people from obvious sins.  Sins  that are hard to hide.  But we don't talk about or even sometimes recognize the more subtle ones.  In fact, if not carefully scrutinized they could even look like good fruit.  These are things that run much deeper within us.  These are sins with a root system that permeates every area of our lives:  lying, cheating, gossip, selfishness, greed, superiority, grudges, bitterness, pride, self sufficiency...  When we go through storms it waters both the weeds and the seeds. Both grow noticeably and we had better be ready to pull the weeds while the soil is still soft or they will take over as it hardens.  I could end on that note and you would have plenty to think about but that is just my preparing the soil for what I want to share today.

In Aug. 2008, Marty and I were going for a walk.  I had been pulling weeds just before that and praying.  I told God that I was tired of storms.  I'm glad to learn lessons but I just didn't think I could stomach the idea of living the rest of my life dancing in the rain.  I needed some sunshine, so please teach us whatever Your trying to teach us so we can get out of this storm.  That's when I realized that storms soften the dirt to make pulling the weeds easier.  So I asked Him, what weeds do we need to pull.  I won't go into all the details but in a nutshell while we were on our walk we discussed some things and I promised Marty that if he wanted to go back to school to get a higher degree or pursue a different career, I would support his decision.  Before I knew it, all sorts of things fell into place and I was working while Marty was going to school to become a teacher.

Now fast forward to Aug. 2010.  I am sitting in the bleachers beaming as I watch my husband walk across the stage wearing his graduation gown and the cord signifying his honor of being Magna Cum Laud.  He not only got his Bachelor's with honors, he did it in only 2 years while also juggling the roll of stay at home dad with seven children.  We had a party and celebrated!  All he had to do was a little student teaching and he could teach, maybe he could even start full time with his own class by fall of 2011.  He would sub until then.  

Then the bottom of our party fell out.  When he went to find out the exact specifications to get his license we found out that either we were misinformed or we misunderstood or both, but he had at least another 2 years of full time school to be able to have a classroom.  For a lot of reasons, this meant he would have to work and go to school which would take even longer.  His fabulous sprint to the end was for nothing, it seemed.  I was livid.  This was not what I signed up for.  A couple years working was hard enough but I only ever wanted to be a homemaker.  I saw no greater calling than to raise up the next generation of Christians and open my home to others.  Working full time had not only consumed all my time, but also, my energy to put into anyone, let alone my own family.  I was just as done working as he was schooling but that didn't matter so we continued on with both of us discouraged and exhausted.  His grades suffered and my family suffered as I didn't have the energy for anything else in my own little world of self pity and frustration.  This wasn't the way we planned it.  This wasn't what we thought God directed us to.  This was just too hard.  I wanted a way to give up but I couldn't find the off switch.

November 27, 2011, while visiting Marty's Mom and Aunt Pete I spotted a devotional and read the daily thought.  It made me angry and I told God I was done with all this mess.  I wanted Him to show me where we went so wrong that life was so much disappointing chaos.  I felt hurt and confused because as far as we could tell, we did everything we understood Him to direct but yet every area of our lives felt like utter chaos and unrest.  Where was the peace?

November 29, 2011, we received a phone call about 11:30 pm that would change our lives forever.  Aunt Pete had been whisked to Heaven by a car accident and would we take the family home that was two hours away.  School for Marty came to a halt, as we tried to sort through it all. 

June 22, 2012, was my last day at work because we no longer lived close enough.  I would focus on making the house back into a home, with all the repairs that were needed it would be a full time job and then some.  I put my whole self into it and did  my absolute best.  Marty did the same while also working in a factory because it was the quickest job available.  Life should get better now, right?  Wrong.  I don't know a thing about house projects and Marty needs to work with people not machines.  That is who God made us.  Both of us were extremely frustrated as we tried to be hammers when we were created to be hands.

Soon after we moved, Marty would ask if I might want to look into this job or that and I absolutely refused.  I was not going back to work.  I'd been there, done that and I wasn't going back.  He tried to suggest different help wanted ads and I just got hurt and angry that he would even dare suggest such a thing.  Didn't he think all I was doing at home was enough?  At the same time we were watching our expenses pile up while our income wasn't.  The pressure was on him to fix it somehow.  He couldn't see any answer except to get a different job or a 2nd job or something.  But no matter what he did, it didn't include any time to even try to become a teacher or use his degree in any way.  Seeing no alternative, he silently went to work at a job he doesn't like, to provide for a family he loves, rather than cause a major fight, with the wife he is committed to.  And I complained to God because Marty seemed so distant and slow to help when I needed it.  I worried about how to make life work the way I wanted it to and grew angry that Marty wasn't taking enough initiative to fix it.  Finally, out of total frustration I asked God how to help Marty become all that I know he can be.


Two days later while doing my homework for a Bible study on the book of James God answered my plea but not the way I wanted.  It was a much much better answer.  We read, James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. We were asked to write down some of our trials and the options we have concerning them including considering it joy.  When I did that I realized how wrong I had been.  God took a mirror and held it up in front of my face so I saw just how ugly I was being.  I had promised my husband that I would support him.  Then when things got tough I bailed.  I gave up and went back on my word.   When things didn't go the way I wanted I stomped my feet and refused to keep moving.  Here I was grumbling to God about why won't my husband do this or that.  Why is he so distant?  Why doesn't he support me in this or that when all along I was the one who left him hanging.  I was the selfish brat.  I had to ask God to forgive me right then and there.

It took me 3 full days, but I finally got the courage to tell Marty that I had been deeply wrong toward him and that I would do whatever it takes to support him again.  Whatever it takes to help him pursue God's purpose for our lives.  My understanding husband offered forgiveness and words that put life back into my spirit.  He didn't think it would be good for our family if I went back to work full time but maybe part time.  We agreed to pray about it and see where God led but for now at least our hearts were beating to the same tune again.  A much happier tune, I might add.

Less than an hour later we discovered a part time help wanted ad for a business right here in town looking for my qualifications!  And it was less than a block from our house.  I put together a resume.  After 2 interviews and an assessment that nearly exploded my brain, I was offered the job.  We are hoping to trade my time doing things that I have no idea how to do, for time doing something I do know how to do in order to earn some money.  Then we can use that money to give to someone who knows how to fix this house.  It seems like a win win situation and the house burden is lifted off Marty's shoulders to free him up to seek God for the direction we need.  

So...if you want to stay exactly as you are and believe your fine then don't pray.  Because God loves us so much that when we ask Him, He will show us where we need to change.  And what's really awesome is that He will help us to do it, too.  It won't be easy.  It won't always be fun.  It won't even always feel good but...

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Many blessings,
Misty Sunshine


P.S.  In another answer to prayer, we finally got a puppy on Sunday.  We promised the kids over a year ago that we would get one when we moved.  We are all just absolutely in love with him.  He fits right in with us though we still can't agree on a name.  He is a mutt with some petite black lab and tri-color border collie for sure.  He's very smart but my, oh my, does he ever cry at night.  I hope I can stay awake for training at my new job.  :)



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Click this picture to learn more or donate.
My girls wanted to give Jesus a Christmas present this year of serving.  (See Christmas Stories or the WLMB interview)  They are trying to raise money to go to Mexico City this summer and help with child care, medical, dental and vision care in the city dumps.  They need to raise their support by the end of March so there isn't a lot of time.  Josh set them up on a website to raise funds or you can send the money directly to me.  Most of all please pray for them and their nervous Mom.  :)  Click on the picture to go to their fund raising site and learn more.

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Unexpected Gifts

2/12/2013

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Jared and Frank at Jared's Award Ceremony
A whirlwind of thoughts come to you today so I'm not exactly sure where to start.  I mentioned in a previous post that I would be writing this one someday.  Considering the Bible study I'm doing on James right now, it seems a very appropriate time to write it.  The house is on pause right now while we try to work through some things and gain a clearer plan.

Almost 7 years ago, we lost our home and van in a bankruptcy.  It's a long story but suffice it to say it was a terribly hard time in our lives that left us questioning EVERYTHING.  We ended up living 2 hours from home with a brand new baby, as well.  Though I can tell you story after story of God's faithful direction and provision in the midst, the storm still left us tattered.  One thing that we started to do was go to the weekly free dinners at a nearby church.

Making the decision to go and actually following through only came out of desperation and not desire.  I argued with God that  we weren't one of "those" people.  My whining fell on deaf ears.  When I look back on that I am ashamed that I thought that. If you had asked me if I stereo typed people I would have denied it, but in that statement a mirror was held up and I saw myself for the way I was.  I didn't know any of "those" people, I'd never even seen any of "those" people and already I had decided I wasn't like "them".

What we found at those dinners is a community of people.  They had lives like us.  They had dreams like us.  They had hurts and disappointments like us.  They had needs like us.  They had stories like us.  What I learned at those dinners is that:  Praise God, I am one of "those" people that He loves.  I think, too often, that as American Christians we get this idea that somehow God's favor rests on the prosperous and that those who have not must have done something to deserve it.  What we don't realize in that thinking is that it removes God's mercy believing that we can deserve good or bad based on our actions.  We even do Christmas programs about reaching out to the poor people and showing them Jesus so He can "fix" them.  It never occurs to us that maybe we can learn something from them.  Maybe they are the ones who have a deeper faith than we do because they have NO hope outside of Christ.

I have seen and been the recipient of gifts from the people at the dinners simply because they saw a need and understood it so they did what they could to help.  They gave deeply sometimes out of their own need because they know what it is to be in need.  They talk about praying and receiving an answer, too.  That's not to say that there are not those who need Jesus but we as a culture need to catch ourselves and realize Jesus doesn't necessarily "fix" the poor and if they have not it isn't necessarily because of some great sin in their life.  Maybe it's just the place God has them in right now to grow their faith even stronger.  And maybe we should open our ears and learn from them sometimes.  James 2: 5 Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? This is not something we like to think about because it means we are not in control.  It means our formulas that say do this and this to earn this don't always work.  This is a tough challenge but if you have the courage to read all of James, I think you will find truths in there that will rock your world.  It did mine and it continues to but I am not sorry.  I am grateful that God loves us so much he doesn't allow us to become mediocre and apathetic.

I will end by telling you a story that is very dear to my heart and I probably won't finish writing without tears pouring down my cheeks, which will be quite embarrassing here in the library but it is a story that needs to be told.

One of the days at a free dinner we found ourselves sitting across the table from an older gentleman.  The first thing most people would notice about him was his wheelchair and his missing leg.  His white hair was long and disheveled.  His clothes though clean were not crisp or pretty.  He had blue eyes that never really looked at you and a bushy white beard.  With him was a young man with tattoos and sagging pants.  If most of us saw them on the street we might even put ourselves between them and our children.  We would probably avoid looking them in the eye and try very hard not to stare at the yellow paper smiley face on the end of the stub where a leg should be.  But here we were sitting across from them at the table and about to eat a meal together.

We introduced ourselves and learned his name was Frank.  Frank asked if any of the kids liked to draw.  I was ready to answer for my kids that they really weren't into drawing much, when Jared said, "I do!  But I'm not very good at it."  I had never known this about my own son, until I learned it from Frank.  Frank's eyes lit up and a smile crossed his lips revealing perfectly straight white teeth as he reached into a dirty old satchel and pulled out a brown marker.  He started to ask the kids questions about what a tree looked like.  He spoke in details that I'd never considered.  As he talked he drew lines on the plastic tablecloth.  He talked about what a tree looks like in winter as opposed to summer.  He talked about what direction the sun would shine and how the snow would settle on the branches.  He had us all mesmerized as his marker moved gracefully over the once white plastic tablecloth. 

Then he said that we needed some sky and he pulled out a blue marker.  With just a few scribbles he transformed those brown squiggles on a white tablecloth into a silhouette of a tree on a bright sunny day with fresh snow all around.  Jared was amazed and so were the rest of us.  We tore that masterpiece off the table and Frank signed it.  We took it home and put it in a frame.

At another dinner we saw him again.  This time he brought some paper and he took Jared under his wing. They ate together almost every meal as Frank instructed, guided and encouraged the hidden gifts of a young boy.  Not long after we met him as we were leaving a dinner Jared gave Frank a great big hug.  I could see Frank's face as the shock was quickly replaced with puddles in his eyes.  I had to get in the van quickly so no one would see the puddles forming in my own eyes.  It occurred to me that most people probably don't give Frank a glance let alone a hug.  I was so happy to see my son break through that and just see his friend and mentor who deserved a hug.

A friendship grew between our family and Frank.  He came over for Bible studies and a few dinners.  He sometimes picked up Jared and they would go look at the trees.  His stories of faith were incredible and encouraging.  Josh started a website to try to help him sell his art.  Over the years I'm really not sure who has gained the greater gift Frank or Jared.  Jared went on to receive The Golden Paintbrush Award in his art class for being the outstanding freshman artist at his school, as well as being honored as a Gifted Artist.  He had a friend to talk to at a time when our own lives were so chaotic it was hard to give him that ear.  He even became more confident and able to sit still better, in order to focus on his school work.

Even since we moved away, Frank has come to visit us a couple times, so far.  I look forward to the day we can get our house more welcoming to his wheelchair so he can come visit even when it is too cold to sit on the porch.  Although, Jared recently told me that they had to take off the other leg, so driving here might be tricky for awhile.  There is some talk about him being able to possibly get two prosthesis so maybe it will be possible again.  All I know is that God took us low and at the bottom of the pit, we found a priceless treasure.  A treasure that we would have missed had He agreed with me and kept us from being one of "those" people. 

Do not be discouraged, even if you are at the bottom of the pit.  Maybe you are the priceless treasure that simply hasn't been dug up yet.

And do not be afraid to get a little dirty and dig.  You never know the treasures you may find.

Many Blessings,
Misty Sunshine

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Click on this picture to go to Frank's website created by Josh. There is more art there.
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This song goes along with what I've written quite well.
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Driving

2/7/2013

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Jared with the keys to our 15 passenger van.
Well, my third child now has the privilege to learn how to drive.  I took Jared to get his temps on Tuesday.  Then we headed to the park near our house to discover what it's like to control a 15 passenger van.  The only other option in our house is Josh's stick shift.

I put the van in park and walked around to the passenger seat.  Jared was in that seat almost faster than I was out of it.  I took a deep breath and started to explain what all the knobs and buttons were.  He was attentive at first but after a bit he couldn't contain himself any longer and shifted into drive.  You should have seen his eyes grow as the van crept forward.  "What?" he exclaimed.  "It's moving and I didn't even push anything!"  After that he put it back in park and seemed a bit more content to wait.  I continued explaining the boring knobs and he tried each one to see it work for himself.  He always was a hands on learner.

Finally I told him to put it in drive and let it roll forward so he could get a feel for steering.  He did but after only a moment he was pushing the acceleration pedal and causing the van to jerk forward before quickly stopping.  (He panicked and hit the brake.)  I just laughed.  His eyes were as big as dinner plates and sparkling blue like the ocean on a sunny day.  Everything about him glowed.  So it was a funny contrast to see the fear in his actions when his eyes were so thrilled.  

Eventually, he was actually driving sort of smoothly without the constant jerking as he tried to figure out just how much he needed to push that pedal to go.  It only lasted a minute before he was trying to see what 15 mph felt like but then quickly deciding to back off of the speed.  The park is just a one way loop and on such a cold day we were the only visitors.  He experimented with taking corners and staying on the road.  He was terrified and confident all at once.  Every time we came around the second curve he would slow way down to a crawl and go as far left as he could.  I let him go with it for several times around before I finally laughed out loud.  There was a tree near the edge and he was scared to death of hitting it but he wasn't even going to come close.  I told him that and the next time around he did it a little more in the middle but still very SLOW.  It was fun to watch him conquer his fear of that tree that really posed no harm.  By the time we left the park he was making the corner just as smoothly as the others which I wouldn't quite call "smooth" yet.

Time said we needed to head home and he was doing decent so I allowed him to drive through our very quiet little town to our house.  You could almost see his heart beating out of his chest as he realized he was actually going to be on the road.  The cars coming the opposite direction freaked him out but he stayed on the road even though verbally he was nervous.  We talked through stopping at stop signs and looking for traffic and judging when it's safe.  On one turn I reminded him to turn on his turn signal.  He quickly informed me that I forgot to show him where that was.  It kind of freaked him out but I simply showed him when we were in a safe spot to stop.

Once we arrived home, he jumped out of the car leaving the keys in and the lights on.  I sent him back to get the keys and turn out the lights.  He did and still beat me in the house with his long legged strides.  I could hear him shouting as the door shut behind him, "I drove the van!  ON THE ROAD!"  When I entered the house I was nearly bowled over by a giant bear hug and buried, I might add, in the chest of a rather massive but ecstatic son.  "Mommy, that was so scary and awesome!!"  Then he was off to tell the story to his brothers and sisters.  I just grinned and grinned and laughed.  It makes me so happy to see my kids that happy.

Kind made me wonder...we often think of being the passenger or co-pilot and letting Jesus drive  However, after this experience, I wonder...God didn't create us to just sit through life and be led around like puppets.  Just look at the Garden of Eden.  If he wanted puppets there would have been no Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  There would have been no choice.  I think at the right time He puts us in the driver's seat and says, "Let me teach you how to drive this thing called life."  That's not to say He ever leaves us or steps out of our lives, He just plays a different role just as we play different roles in the lives of our kids based on their age and level of maturity.

Jared is discovering this new freedom that he has never known and it is both terrifying and thrilling.  He is confident and yet realizing that with such freedom comes great responsibility for the lives of his passengers and the people in the cars around him, so it gives him a fear at the same time.  Jesus teaches us principles and ways to do things in His Word just as Jared had to pass a written test on the laws of driving.  Then God puts us in a safe place to test it out and see how this thing works, even though it doesn't always feel safe.  We try things and get excited and scared all at once but we are safe under His care despite those looming trees or cars coming the opposite direction.  Eventually, we will be able to face those things on auto pilot and won't even think much about them.  Then he will teach us the next thing and we will practice and practice and practice some more until one day he will give us our license and say, now it's time for the next level.

We will have to drive without actually seeing Him in the passenger seat and we will have to make choices as we drive, by remembering what He taught us.  Our character will be tested to see if we will abide by the laws even when no one appears to be looking.  We will know freedom to come and go or we will make poor choices and pay fines or maybe even loose our license (not salvation, freedom).  Hopefully we will not be so reckless as to wound anyone in the process but the truth is we do and we have to go back to our temps.  I wonder if during those times when we feel like He's distant, is He really just saying, it's your turn now.  Will you remember what I taught you?  Because once I can trust you to drive well, I can trust you to have passengers and I can use you to run errands for me.  And we can work as a team.


I imagine that the whole time his love for us is not hindered at all.  In fact, I think he rather enjoys getting to see us try and grow.  I bet we even make Him grin as He watches and treasures our attempts.  I know I will always treasure that day in the park with Jared.  I can't imagine God feels any less loving toward His children than I do toward mine.  After all it is because of His love for us that we can love anyone at all.

May we all learn to drive well on this journey called life and make Jesus grin in the process.

Many Blessings,
Misty Sunshine

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Jared with his temps.
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This is a 15 passenger van.
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